I feel like I’ve been a bit MIA lately.. Yes I’ve been posting things but my heart really isn’t in it at the moment.
Some of you may recall that back on the 16th April 2017 I posted a different kind of post.. far from the normal “I love travel and everything is good” kind of post.
A very good friend & work colleague of mine was diagnosed with terminal cancer just before Easter and ever since I’ve been trying to rack my brains around it all. To be honest with you all, I might have taken it harder than I thought I would – though how do you really prepare for news like that!
I have worked with this person for over 14 years. She was there when my dad died and when my mum got sick. She was there when I was struggling to come to terms that moving back to NZ wasn’t a good idea. She was there for all the ups & downs for my travels. She taught me most of what I know in regards to my job. She has seen me cry probably more than anyone else has & we have worked countless hours of overtime together when the end of the financial year comes around… you share a lot with someone when you work with them for 14 years!
I think the thing that shocked me the most is that she is never sick.. I mean NEVER!! It was a complete out of the blue situation for everyone.
I know this post sounds very “it’s all about me” but I can’t write this from the point of view of the person who has to live with this. I can only write this from my point of view. I can only write about how I feel about all this.
After the shock of the news kind of subsided.. though does it really ever go? I am now dealing with my own inadequacies. This person is an institution! I mean they have worked in my office for over 25 years and to say she knows a lot is an understatement. Now I have the daunting task of trying to learn all that I need to learn in the time we’ve been given – to be fair, she wants to beat this.. I want her to beat this and I don’t think I’m alone in that.
But at the end of the day we need to be realistic. She is not well enough to come to work every day. She wants to give chemo a go & I think we all know that chemo is a bitch of a thing. So I am trying to get her when she’s not tired and can put up with me asking stupid, inane questions. Though she did say to me that I’m not as stupid as I think I am so that was nice 🙂
When it comes down to it.. I’m scared.
- I’m scared for her – chemo is horrible and there is no guarantees that it will make a difference.
- I am scared as she comes to terms with what is facing her.
- I am scared about how we are all going to deal with what is coming (fingers crossed it doesn’t!)
- I am scared for me
- I am scared that I am not up to this task
- I am scared that I feel like everyone is relying on me and I am going to let everyone down
So back to my first sentence – my heart really isn’t in anything anymore. I am posting things on Instagram and here just because I feel like I have to. But I really don’t want to.
I feel like I am at a crossroads – actually I feel like I’ve been at this point for a long time – and I don’t really know where to go from here.
Wow.. this got deep didn’t it. I guess I also feel like I need to explain myself. I don’t know why but I just do.
So what now? Well I guess I keep getting up every day and carrying on with life. I apologise for not being as active in cyberspace as I once was. I hope you can understand. But thanks for listening 🙂