Hi, how are you? I hope you’re good.
How am I? Well .. that’s a bit of a work in progress to be honest.
I took this break (as short as it might have been) because life was becoming all a bit too much. I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t claw my way out.
January is my depression month.
I don’t know when it started but January has always been that month that I struggle through. It all becomes a bit overwhelming, if I’m honest.
Maybe it’s because it’s the start of the year and I reflect on where I am in life & don’t like it.
Maybe it’s because it’s one of the hottest months of the year where I live and I feel like I’ve literally moved to hell it’s so damn humid!
Maybe it’s because I’m one year closer to death, which is the thing in life I’m most scared of (that & spiders).
I don’t honestly know why but January is a shit month for me.
On top of the normal stuff I struggle with in January was my social media commitments. I wanted to post at least once a day on this blog as well as Instagram, Facebook & Twitter. However I was finding it a real struggle to come up with content that I thought was good enough for you, dear reader.
I didn’t travel much in 2016 and I kind of felt like a bit of a travel blogger fraud. Like I wasn’t good enough to place that moniker on myself.
It just felt like too much pressure & something had to give.
So I stepped away.
Did it give me perspective? No I don’t think so. I’m still as confused as ever as to what to post. I don’t feel like I have any fresh ideas or tips to give to people. I’m not an adventurous traveller – I hardly even leave the house on the weekends!
What do I actually have to offer? (another one of my January thoughts).
What I do know is that right now I am not in a happy place. Everything feels just too hard.
Maybe this will change next week once I go away. Maybe that’s all I need – an actual holiday where it is just me in a car driving around England, reflecting on life.
Please don’t feel sorry for me. Yes I am struggling a little bit but I will get through this. I will become ‘me’ again
As the saying goes “this too shall pass”.
I do want to thank those people who commented & wished me luck. I really appreciate your thoughts.
I also want to say that it’s ok to feel bad. Everyone has dark days (whether they talk about it or not). A lot of people put my dark days down to me being moody, which I admit I can get sometimes. However depression is different and depression is real.
I saw this on Facebook a while ago and I found I could resonate with it a lot. Admittedly I do not have thoughts about ending my life, and the pure number one reason for that is that I would not want my family to constantly ask themselves ‘why?’.
It’s almost like there is a stigma against depression – like you aren’t really feeling what you’re feeling. Believe me, those feelings are real.
- The dread I feel when I wake knowing I have to go out and face the world with my ‘happy face’ on.
- The monumental effort I go through to actually do something constructive with my day.
- The feeling of uselessness when I don’t accomplish anything on my day off.
- The empty feeling because nothing brings me joy at the moment (even with my upcoming trip, it’s all a bit ‘meh’).
Depression is real and those people who suffer it often do so alone because to ask for help makes you feel like an even more inferior human being.
I am a strong person. I have strong ideas & opinions. I have a tough outer shell but sometimes that outer shell cracks and my insecurities seep through.. and that usually happens in January.
I will return properly soon – I really want to share my travels with you all. I just needed this time for me and to realise what I really want from this experience.
After this trip I don’t think I will be posting as much as I was – one post a day is quite the effort. I want to put out quality posts so I will be picking and choosing my subjects a little more carefully from now on.
So thanks for your patience with me and don’t worry, you haven’t seen the last of this Kiwi 🇳🇿